she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
