I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
