If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
