I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
