can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
