if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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