Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
