I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
