also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
