i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
third nipple confirmed
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
