I never want to see another naked old woman again.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
