you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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