I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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