I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
