he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
