Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
