I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
