Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
