I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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