we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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