I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
