people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
