When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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