i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
