So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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