I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
