I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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