you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
