everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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