My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
