Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
