i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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