Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
