the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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