Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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