So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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