Moan for me like Helen Keller
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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