I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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