i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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