but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
