I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
