We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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