Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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