mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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