my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
