ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
