maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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