Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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