Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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