turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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