I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
