turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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